Chief Executive Mom

Visit me at my new website - anniecrawford.com I have always longed to be a mother. After my daughter was born, my dad said, “You are doing just what you were created to do.” My dad, who is not a Christian and barely knows me, touched my heart with that statement because it said so simply what I felt was true. A natural extension of my desire to be a mother is my awe and joy in being pregnant. It is such a miracle to get the privilege of holding a new little life God created within my body. To feel my child move and grow within me brings me wonder that nothing else inspires me to. God has blessed my husband and me with two easy, healthy pregnancies, so I assumed labor would be the same. It wasn’t with my first birth and now I’m facing my second. That’s why I writing this post…how does God fit into my labors?

I was so excited for my first labor…it felt like an adventure that no one could foretell. I prayed and prayed that God would bless it and things would go smoothly. I memorized scriptures to go over during contractions (which I used faithfully). I felt certain that God’s “strength is made perfect in my weakness.” I dreamed that Paul and I would be examples of faithful commitment to God’s sovereignty throughout the labor, thereby bring glory to God in front of any nonbelievers at the hospital. I imagined an ideal birth. Well, my labor wasn’t ideal, it was LONG, and our marriage was not a shining example of God’s love for all to see. It began on a Thursday evening and never really progressed. We went to a scheduled doctor’s appointment on Tuesday and I was 100% effaced and dilated to 5-1/2. Paul and I were so relieved I was dilated that we listened to the doctor and checked into the hospital. We should have known that nothing was going to happen because my contractions were the same way they’d been for a week. So, we were sent home and the next day my water broke. They put me on pitocin for 6 hours and I was only dilated to about 6-1/2. I hadn’t slept for 6 nights and my hips felt they were being torn in two, so I gave up. I got an epidural and 5 minutes later was ready to push and pushed her out in 6 pushes. She was beautiful and healthy and I was grateful.

The problem was that I thought I had failed at labor. AND I thought I was ungrateful for God’s blessing of a healthy baby…isn’t that the point anyway? The week or two after my daughter’s birth I had panic attacks at night. The nights of laboring had been so lonely and it was hard to be up with a newborn in the same lonely house. I felt so defeated that I had given up just when labor was almost over. Did I not trust God enough to keep going? Or was I humbled by my own weaknesses and needed to accept God’s grace in this situation? Was I asking God to do everything my way or did God have a plan for me when it came to this birth? Mostly, I just wanted to do it all over again and this time, do it differently. I never really came to peaceful resolution of my first birth, time and God healed my heart some and life goes on, especially with a toddler.

I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant for a second time and determined to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. And I did, until it started to get close to birth time. Then I realized that I had planned all along to redeem my first labor with a perfect second labor. As the end of my pregnancy got closer and closer, I started to get more and more scared. I remembered how many things can happen during labor, how many unknowns there are, how many things can go wrong, and I realized not only could this labor not be “better” than my first, it very well could be worse. I panicked that the baby was breach, that I would need a C-section, that the baby would be hurt…all of my excitement about my first birth was now full blown fear about my second birth. My husband and I looked into many different birth options, postulating that a hospital birth may not be the best fit for us. This exercise of exploring our different options was supposed to calm my nerves and make me feel confident in our chosen birth options. All it did was bring every single one of my fears to the surface, help me lose a week of sleep, and completely lock me in indecision about that was the right choice. God has blessed me with a wise and strong husband, who made the decision to have a hospital birth with our current doctor. I trust him and felt completely relieved when that decision was over. But spiritually, I still needed to figure out where God stood in all of this and how to view this from His perspective instead of my own.

I first tried to pray for all my fears and release them to God. This is always a good thing to do, but the problem was I could always come up with a slightly different fear or slightly different combinations of situations and then I needed to go back to God again. I felt like I was trying to control God. If I could think of everything that could go wrong and bring it to God in prayer, then He’d know that I didn’t want that situation to happen and it wouldn’t. My heart wasn’t praying in faith, but in fear…hoping to cover every situation with God’s grace so not one thing was left to go wrong. Seeing how I was trying to control everything brought me to the truth: I cannot control this labor, I cannot redeem my first labor, and I cannot tell God what to do. This truth has set my free…both from trying to rewrite my first labor and to program my second. I can look back recently on my first labor and see God’s hand in it. It could so easily have been worse, and I really am grateful for His provisions of a vaginal birth and healthy baby. Yes, I would have liked to accomplish my goal of a natural birth, but I’m learning to take joy in the spiritual lessons I’ve learned instead.

Primarily, I have learned that I cannot be a perfect mother, apart from God or totally centered in God. I think I thought that if I totally relied on God during my labor, it would be perfect. It is good to rely on God in all things, but it is a lie to believe that guarantees you that everything will be good and perfect. Just look at the disciples…they faithfully taught about Christ after his resurrection and all but one were killed for their obedience. I think American Christians have come to rely on the belief that God will bless us for our obedience, and He does…with eternal blessings, not worldly ones of health, riches, and ease. I desperately need to remember that lesson as I raise my children. Secondly, as much as I felt that I fell short of faith in my first labor, I realized that God’s “strength is made perfect in our weakness.” I needed God’s healing and grace and love to ease my heart after my labor and He has done that sweetly and gently. I fall back so easily on thinking I can fix everything and do better, if I just try harder. But I can’t and God is ready to meet me right at that spot where I say God, “You are all powerful and merciful and wise and I need you to be my head. I am yours.”
So, I’m less than a week away from my due date and am I spiritually ready? I don’t know. Again I’ve memorized my scriptures and again I’ve prayed God’s blessing on the birth. But at this point, I hope and pray and think my heart has let go of controlling the details of the birth. I know God is good and I believe him when He says He “is my refuge and my strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” I am praying for God’s blessing on the health of my baby and the smoothness of my labor, but I am also praying that my heart will be faithful and calm, no matter what twists and turns this labor takes. I’ve decided this birth is not my rite of passage into womanhood or my crowning achievement as a mother, but another path in my life in which God will teach me to rely on him and believe in His promises in the midst of unknown mountains and valleys.