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Boundaries and Discipline

We create boundaries in our home that teach our children about the standards and holiness of God, as well as the wisdom in following righteousness. When I explain a boundary to Elise, we also discuss how “God’s way is the best way!” He has given us His law because He is loving; He knows how we are made and what we need. What boundaries to establish is far beyond the scope of this time together, but Discovering the Treasure Inside Your Child by Pam Farrel provides excellent advice and examples on which boundaries to draw when. However, in general the boundaries we establish for our children are to develop character and necessary life skills.

I have been wrestling lately with the discipline side of boundaries, i.e. their enforcement. I am usually annoyed, embarrassed and angered that I have to enforce them. I have been surprised by my own impatience and lack of love in discipline. As I have brought this to the Lord and wrestled with Him through His Word, I have come to a few helpful conclusions.

1 – Mothers tend to be proud and naïve and think that their child will surely be above consistent rebellion. Surly my child won't be a hell child, only those other "bad" moms, right? However, all children are definitely sinners and will test boundaries. I should expect it and be resolved to meet it with patient, gentle love again and again and again. When I draw a clear boundary with my two year old I should expect a tantrum and be prayerfully prepared to deal with it rather than upset and annoyed that I have to enforce my word in a loving manner. In the early years I should be shocked and delighted when I don’t have to enforce the boundary!

2 – This is my job, I shouldn’t be surprised or offended that it requires real, actual work all day long.

3 – Discipline can and ought to be multilayered and creative. I do not need to and ought not meet every boundary violation with a spanking or a time out or any other standard response. Farrel says that the more strong willed your child is the more creative and layered your discipline will have to be.

4 – When I am not sure if a violation merits a spanking I can test the heart of the child by giving a clear instruction. Her response will reveal whether there is outright rebellion in her heart. For example, if my youngest is crying and I cannot tell if the oldest was maliciously mean in causing the tears, I can ask her to please come here and tell me why the baby is crying. If she has a rebellious heart, she usually will not come. Then she has directly violated a firm boundary and I am now clear on how to deal with it. Another useful test is to give a short time out. Usually if my child is being rebellious, she will not come to or stay in even a 1 minute time out. Each mother will have to devise tests of the heart according to the temperament of her own child.

5 – The goal of our discipline is not punishment, but training. The following verses convict me greatly when I allow punitive anger to enter into my discipline. It is not punishment that leads to Godly discipline or a saving knowledge of the love of God. I am not trying to punish my child when she sins, but save her from punishment by communicating that the way of disobedience and rebellion leads to great pain.

Romans 2:4 Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?

1 John 4:18 ⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

Pam Farrel, in her book The Treasue Inside Your Child, offers a useful “mental checklist” to run through before disciplining to help ensure godly correction:

1. Is this my problem or my child’s?
2. What is the simplest answer that will keep the boundaries in place? (distraction or humor is sometimes ok!)
3. Can I reason with my child and help him choose rightly for himself? (if you child is 4 or under the likely answer is no!)
4. Have I exasperated my child with unfair or overly burdensome requests?
5. Is this more of an issue of immaturity as opposed to defiance?
6. Is this defiance or a dangerous situation that would warrant a spanking?
7. Are their natural consequences that would make a longer lasting impact than a spanking?