Chief Executive Mom

Visit me at my new website - anniecrawford.com I have been wrestling with discipline for a long time now, endeavoring to sort out the many voices swirling in my head. Many of these speak boldly as with the authority of scripture. They haunt me and press me with guilt when my spirit resists their clear directives. I have sincere and serious questions I want to consider here and I hope that you will take the time to comment.

Growing Kids God's Way (GKGW) and Shepherding a Child's Heart (SCH) both present very clear cut guidelines for discipline. Upon reading these books, their logic made sense to me. However upon applying it, I have a feeling of near horror, like that when you stand at the open door of an airplane and realize you paid $100 to jump and now you have to do it even though it now feels close to torture. This parenting program I signed up for isn't so easy or cut and dry as the books make is out to be. Of course, books that didn't provide all the solutions wouldn't sell very well. (If any of what I say rouses your ire, tell me in the comments! That is what makes for a good blog!)

For brevity's sake, I am going to focus on SCH in this discussion. On pg 149 Tripp, in a chapter concerning 1-4 year olds, states "The 'when' of spanking is so simple that parents miss it. If your child has not obeyed, he needs to be spanked. If he has failed to respond to your direction, he has moved out of the circle of safety. . . If you accept challenge, delay or excuses, you are not training in submission. You are, rather, training your children how to manipulate authorities and live on the ragged edge of disobedience." Does this sound a little extreme to any of you when thinking of your 18 mo. old? Now I am NOT AGAINST SPANKING! Don't misunderstand me. I think the rod is very important. But I have come to believe, through my experience, the Word of God and the counsel of wise men, that this description of the rod given in SCH is not right. It is legalistic and harsh.

A pastor at a church we attended for a while told me that they had pulled GKGW from their curriculum. When I asked him why, he answered that it was legalistic and that he thought the Ezzo's had probably had fairly compliant children. In his experience it was too simplistic and legalistic to work well with strong-willed or difficult children. At the time I though surely he was compromising truth because the book made logical sense to me, but now I agree.

This is the first thought that began to change my understanding. Can someone show me in the Bible where God spanks us (a severe discipline) for every clear infraction of disobedience against a well understood rule? I would be spanked 10 times per second!

The second thought that halted me in my tracks is that I do not believe that a Muslim or Jew would disagree with this philosophy of discipline. There is nothing uniquely Christian about moral law and discipline for violating it. The moral law is written upon the hearts of all men, and every man who thinks twice understands the need for enforcing the law in a consistent manner. That is why the Gospel is so offensive to the religious establishment, it teaches radical grace!

It is not that I have a problem with authority. I fully understand the absolute authority of God and our obligation to be completely submissive to it. But that is law. Law causes us to despair because anyone with their eyes open and half an honest heart will realize he has no hope on earth of ever fulfilling the law. Every moment we stand again condemned for failing to uphold God's perfect law. (read Romans 5-7). So although I strive to submit to authority, I always fail. This despair presses me to the cross and faith in Christ who fulfilled the requirement of righteousness for me and I live through faith by the grace of God towards me every minute. I am free.

There is not only a need for our children to understand authority, but for them to understand the extreme, radical grace of God. Yes, authority and law are first. You cannot understand grace without these, but I believe children catch on to law and authority faster than we thing. And if we represent a graceless authority (which I believe the SCH model does in the above prescription for spanking a 2 year old!) our children will be frustrated, embittered and often more defiant. Although parents represent God's authority, we do it very imperfectly. So why should your child be expected to perfectly submit to your imperfect authority? That is unjust and a smart child will sense that and rebel all the more.

The gospels clearly demonstrate that grace is far more difficult to understand than law, especially for those who are religious.

Another side issue raised in SCH that concerns me is the flat rejection of "behavior modification". I believe Tripp presents a strawman of this philosophy. Although he has some points, I do not think that behavior modification is to be totally thrown out. Tripp speaks of it teaching children to do things for improper motives, for selfish reasons and not to please God. Anyone having a lot of luck with extracting pure motives from your 2 year old?

To some degree, I believe it is great to focus on behavior. Your child needs appropriate behavior and some level of "rewarding good behavior in some tangible way; ignoring or perhaps punishing bad behavior" is fine (SCH). Your 2 -4 year old will just barely be able to act out of more pure motivations. It is a training process, beginning with behavior and then moving to heart matters as your child matures. No, you don't want to do anything that promotes crass bribery, yet God does reward us. He does promise us amazing eternal rewards to motivate us. Tangible ones! Who said eternal life won't be tangible! I count on being physically alive! Children need to find God in the physical world too. We are not Gnostics.

I have learned a great deal from John Piper concerning this matter. There is a school of Christian thought that rejects any kind of "selfishness" at all. However, Piper makes an amazing case for the definition of evil to be seeking self-fulfillment in anything other than God and righteousness as seeking self-fulfillment in God. We do seek God for selfish reasons and that is good! It honors God when we find joy in Him. He is glorified when we are satisfied with Him.

Tripp clearly states that he believes there are only two method's of punishment: the rod and communication. Has anyone besides me experienced God using other forms with them? Please refer to Pam Farrel's list on the previous post to see an example of other possible methods and what I believe is a wise and Biblical approach to discipline.

Please consider the following verses and make comment. It is seeing what we deserve and receiving less than what we deserve that softens our hearts before the Lord (that and a miraculous act of the Holy Spirit!) I have barely touched on the issue hear and I am sure that I am shortsighted in some respect.

Romans 2:4 Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?

Jonah 4:2 He prayed to the LORD and said, "Please LORD, was not this what I said while I was still in my own country? Therefore in order to forestall this I fled to Tarshish, for I knew that You are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, and one who relents concerning calamity.

Ezra 9:13 After all that has come upon us for our evil deeds and our great guilt, since You our God have requited us less than our iniquities deserve, and have given us an escaped remnant as this,