Chief Executive Mom

Visit me at my new website - anniecrawford.com Another night of tormented sleep. Three times my husband found my hand on my forehead with my elbow sticking straight up in the air, an expression of anguish. We have recieved more crushing news from my sister, though I am not totally suprised. Though we had reason to praise last week, I also know daily that this is likely a long, long battle to be fought. I am weary of the fighting right now. I don't really have the heart to writie about it. I am tempted to, in my own mind, "turn her over to her sin" and cut her off from my heart, though I know I never will. I will labor with her in at least prayer, faithful to the one who labored for me with His blood.

Durring this pregnancy, I have struggled with my attitude toward labor and birth. I have had two relatively "easy" natural births, but they still are not fun. I found focus in the first by considering the pains of Christ and sharing in them, even just a little, to understand what He sacrificed to give us life. I also found victory in relying on the Lord for something too difficult for me and seeing His deliverance in moments when I was at the end of my strength to cope. For the second labor, I expected again the deliverance and strength of the Lord, and he provided, though it was a bit more difficult because labor was so fast and intense (3 hours total labor). This time, I know God can sustain me, but it just isn't fun. I never was drawn too much in mountaineering to climb the same mountain twice. Christ went to the cross but once, didn't he? But a woman's labors are many. I say this a bit tougue in cheek. I would never trade 12 labors for the suffering of the cross. I merely describe the attitude difficulty, in my own sin and selfishness, that I am having to battle.

However, two weeks ago while in Oregon and at this moment again, I gladly welcome the physical pain of labor to ease the aching in my heart. I would far rather endure for a short time intense pain that brings forth life as opposed to this drawn out heart suffering of watching someone slowly choose death. I would welcome the consuming contractions to distract me from mourning with hope of seeing a new child, I child that by God's grace I might raise not to live in wickedness in death, but in love and life.